Online Infidelity

Introduction

The reality today is that the computer has become an integrated part of most people’s life. We use them for work, play, shopping and when researching something like the possibility of hire a private investigator. The same is true for cheaters. They send e-mail to the “other” person, they look at websites about sexual performance, weight loss, infidelity, how not to get caught, etc. etc. In a growing number of cases, people are meeting and developing relationships on-line. They are in chat rooms having on-line conversations, posting messages to discussion bulletin boards and visiting web sites to meet people. Frequently these relationships grow from a cyber-affair into a real world relationship. These can grow into regular e-mailing and instant messaging about how they feel toward one another and what they are up to. Accordingly, the computer can be a treasure chest of information that can help a spouse or loved one who is looking to know what’s going on.

Why an internet relationship?

As private investigators we get asked this question frequently. In our experience, it seems that the internet is safer and easier to meet people in than the real world is. On line, you can be the person you want to be. Maybe better looking, richer, happier, etc., etc. and it’s safe to be that person. Mike, who was a mechanic in the Navy ten years ago in real life becomes Mike the former “Navy Seal” on-line. Michelle, whose college roommate became a model in the real world “does some modeling” when chating with her friends in cyberspace. You can type things on the internet that you would never say in the real world. In short, it gives people a place to fill a lagging self-esteem or to compensate for the short comings of their real life.

Once you “meet” someone on-line who sounds exciting, sexy and interesting, you spend time learning about them and fantasizing about how they look, how well they relate to you, etc. As the “relationship” goes on, the two get to know each other better and the real world begins to enter the conversations. Trust develops because this is the person “you relate to” and it builds up as more time goes by. It then gets to the point where they begin to be even more honest, sometimes totally honest, and an internet affair becomes a real relationship or affair outside of cyberspace.

Does it really happen?

Absolutely. Too many of our clients consult with us and state their disbelief that their loved one would be trolling for sex on the internet or having an on-line affair. The reality is that, like affairs at school, work, church, the health club or any other social environment, it usually happens quite innocently and grows. People go online and get to know one another in this safe internet world and slowly it progresses into cyber sex and or a real life relationship. Do not underestimate this format for people meeting and growing close on the internet. Internet affairs happen daily, in every town across the country.

There are also those who are not looking for a boost in their self esteem or have a relationship, rather they simply want sex with someone they don’t know. In some cases, cyber sex fills this need. This sub-culture is comprised of men and women who use the computer to meet other people who want commitment free sex. They are attracted to the excitement of the affair. They like to type stories about fantasy and sex. They look for others who share this desire. It is important not to stereo type these folks. They are not just “stripers” or the “dirty old man” wearing a trench coat. This is your neighbor, the soccer mom, the teller at the bank, your accountant and potentially your partner. This group uses the computer the same way those looking for true love do. They visit certain sites, e-mail, chat and instant message.